WOW! This can't be real!

Well, Thursday I went to see Dr. Jeffrey W. Scales at NC Center for Dermatology. My thinking when my PCP gave me the referral: "Well, finally I can find out what this is--he'll give me special cream/ointment and shampoo and it will be over in a few weeks!" See the itching head has been around for 10+ yrs, the weird,scaly on my leg at least a year and the general itching all over the rest of me - seems like forever. We (my PCP and I) talked about allergy testing. That was a foreboding thought for me being Vegan and all: my diet is soy-based (#2 of the top 10 known allergens). But after a rather frustrating scratch-attack on my own head; when I finally was able to free up my hands to dial, I called doctor dermatology.

the visit

First the verbal exam with the nurse: yada, yada, yada..."yea I itch here, here, here and.... HERE! Ok, look at this and this. There are the things I've been using..." *shows shampoo and latest Rx cream from PCP to nurse* "... these are other things I've done..." *explains holistic things I've done as well as the 'firey-hoops' I've been jumping through to nurse*

"OK, undress and put [our fine comfy robe] on," she says.

The Dr. enter: ok, all over again I explain things (nurse helps, tho! Yayy!! I am busy trying not to scratch everywhere). He looks over my leg, then says: "Point to where it itches on your head." HA! -- I take both hands and plant them on my head the way one would during a "free throw" in B-ball. He chuckles and says, "OK". He moves about 3 strands of hair... yep! you guessed it: a major scratch-attack ensues! So, he's thinking maybe um eczema then Ms. Nurse clears her throat and says to me: "Show him your elbow." Oh yea - I usually forget about it: I'd always just figured it was hardened skin due to pressure (being on this machine alot, I always lean on that arm) and thought it only itched because of the area it was. Up till now, Doc was talking about taking a bite of my buttock and thigh for another biopsy....

the verdict

"Oh, forget the biopsy, it is definitely psoriasis", he says. Me, in my naive mind thought: "Great, a name to my itch! So it WILL be over soon... some special cream, some special shampoo and voila`, it will be over: FINALLY!!: He writes me the 4 Rx, she gives me 2 pamphlets and I am on my way. I was SO excited!! It's got a name (one I even heard before) and a solution! Yes! So, I hop on the next bus to my next destination. That's when it happened -- that's when someone picked up the Louisville Slugger of REALITY and clocked me up-side the head: things like "lifelong skin disease" and "no one knows for sure [what causes it]" and "it is genetic" and "not yet [a cure for it]" were jumping off the pages screaming in my face!!! Then the final blow - you know when the better Heavy-weight draws back that last time to effect a TKO with his secret swing and his lesser opponent tumbles to the mat unconscious: "REMISSION"

What the... ?????!!!! That is a cancer word!! Why are they hitting me with this just for some itchy head & leg (and back and chest and arms and face and feet and hands, and, and, and, and...) Ohhhh! No, wait! This is wrong. I was supposed to NEVER have some incurable disease!! But these people don't understand!: I have PLANS!!!

river of denial

"Oh this other pamphlet -- that's what they meant for me to read! Yea "adult acne", that's what this is: it's also called psoriasis, right? Yea - it isn't as bad as that organization is making it to be!" I had forgotten there were 4 not 1 or 2 Rx that doctor gave me - it was put away.

Errands done, I was on my way home when I starting swimming in ...

the sea of sadness.

I was beat! My life was ruined! I will never do what I really want! I certainly will be single for the rest of my life - according to the pics in that literature I read. I just felt so defeated by life! So wronged! The the

anchor of anger:

Why me! So many other things in my life lterally "passed me by"; why not this too? This is just crazy! Then, there's the fact that I don't even KNOW where this comes from. [This is more personal -- maybe I'll blog about it later.*]

So, home: had an appointment* within 15 min of being home. Talked with a friend* about it all (my 16 yr old is not really in-tune with a 40 y/o woman just dx with psoriasis). Got all [*] about it, then decided that it was my fate... I guess. After the appointment, I walked to the pharmacy (a 10 min walk along the RR tracks) with my daughter. We talked about everything BUT THIS - I just wanted it to be OVER! The pharmacy had all the things, it just took a while to fill as it's a 1st come 1st served kind of thing. So when things were ready, I realized that my CC was in the zippered pocked of my bag ------> AT HOME! "Geeezzzz, when is this day going to be OVER?!?" Walking, walking, walking -- climbing stairs -- down the stairs -- walking, walking, walking - back at CVS: waiting, waiting, waiting AGAIN. Walking walking (visions of my appearance scaring the children in my classroom as I try to teach) walking home again. Finally at home I realize that I am sooo completely tired and exhausted that I go to bed 2 hrs early = 10:30pm.

When I wake up on Friday, I realize that : NO, IT'S NOT OVER!!! I look in the bag, with more wits about me than last night: (from top to bottom)

1. Clōbex® Shampoo {clobetasol propionate}
2. Clōbex® Lotion { same as above }
3. Epiduo™ {adapalene and benzoyl peroxide}
4. Taclonex® {calcipotriene and betamethasone dipropionate}

Try and pronounce those!

I remember the pamphlet: it's from NPF (National Psoriasis Foundation). I go to the site, surf around a bit. Go back to FarmVille, check email, answer email, Farm' again --- bored!! Back to NPF site I register, seek a mentor and sign up with the VH BioBank (click on BioBank in organge box at NPF site - if you can, and have it... please donate to the research for a cure!) I vaguely remember telling a friend: "This WILL NOT run my life!!!" But do I really believe it?? I try to believe it. I'm a fan of NPF VH BioBank on FB now. I'm registered on talkpsoriasis.org and posted my intro. Hey!! A mentor called me!! Her name is Fran (from NY). Got into a fight with a good friend last night while on the cuff of being depressed about all this -- I feel bad about that.

Today: I am not sure if I have the energy to go on this journey. It seems like so much work - just to exist in daily life situations! I've read that some people go into remission (bleehhhhh! don't like that word!!) only to flare up just DAYS later. Then there are medicines that just stop working, and trying not to get peeved when people stare or are ignorant and rude. Ugh, I don't like being dependent on medicines to live day to day. But more than that -- what happens when this pso' doesn't want to cooperate with the treatment I'm using? Do I just become a number and guinea-pig for a new drug or treatment??? Are my days going to consist of trying not to ache, hurt and itch? It's already gotten hold of 2 of my joints - and IT HURTS!!!

Some moments, since Thursday, I feel like I've 'failed' myself - other moments: like some other person "infected" me with this!! Weird, I know - it's genetic, not contagious.

My Lighthouse in the Storm

Right now, I am discouraged. But somewhere, deep inside I know that my God hasn't brought me this far to leave me now. It's just hard to stick with that thought when I itch and hurt and still hear those screams: NO CURE, REMISSION, NO ONE KNOWS. In reality, some ONE does know: God knows -- and in my brain (18 inches away from my heart), I know that He did this for a reason and mine is not to know why; but just to wait on His actions and go with Him. I am learning that this diagnosis is just another 10,000 steps of my walk with God and it is just the beginning of a new journey He is carrying me through. For His Glory, I was healed of Migraine Disease... so shall this plan will be played out FOR HIS GLORY!